[

she feels

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annoyed

]

I was at the start of the computer generation; they were just being put into schools, and just forming the formal writing guidelines for a paper that was printed as opposed to written.

Today I read this comment on the tail end of what was a pretty sub-par fic, regarding cellular phone text messaging:
"I don't know about you guys, but I use t9 to text so I spell out everything correctly."

Really, REALLY want to reply, "Yeah, I learned how to SPELL so I spell out everything correctly."

Part of me hates the age of spellcheck.

Juliana? Make your kids hand-write their papers so they have to use an old fashioned dictionary. Please?

24 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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curious

]

I'm trying to take my mind off of my problems and found a productive outlet - early Christmas shopping.

I like to start around now so I can keep my eyes open for deals on things that tend to rise in price the closer we get to the Holidays, have time to find things that are difficult to track down, research products in depth if they're costly and have lots of functions, and to spread the spending over a few months as opposed to all at once when emergencies may arise.

I have a few troublesome items this year and I need the help of anyone who might have some insight.

( If wishes were horses. )

That's it for now. I'll get back to my customary health woes updates soon.

5 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

2 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

[

she feels

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confused

]

In the past I've listened to my Dad how he’s felt “abandoned by God”, literally comparing himself to Job. Actually. Said. The words. At the time, I wanted to smack him around, and rightly so – all that was going wrong was that he didn’t like his job and it felt like a chore to go to work every day, plus they were being forced to dip into their savings a bit for my healthcare. He was still making a 6 figure income, owned two homes and a piece of investment property, had more savings than most people will ever see in their lives, an in-tact and living immediate AND extended family, and good friends. (And for the record: he still has all of that, except now he's got a job he enjoys.)

I have to say that I lost some respect for his perspective that day; I’d always considered him level-headed enough to know how dire a situation was. But to say that God had abandoned him and his remote control curtains that block the light on the 52 inch HD widescreen made me lose that trust. He’d always called me spoiled and said that I take things for granted. It was like the hypocrisy suddenly had it's own gravitational pull.

A while after he was through that point in his life, I expressed my incredible anger at him for that. He was too proud to go see a therapist more than a few times, and frankly he was obviously suffering from depression (that was the reason I didn’t call him out on his grossly obnoxious whining at the time). He still put up a fuss about how his feelings were justified but seemed to unwillingly admit that his "abandonment" complex was taking it a step or 17 too far.


Okay, this is getting off track. The point is that I hate it when people think/act like God has abandoned them when they’re going through something so not even close to being remotely the worst case scenario. (EDIT: Just to make it clear, I don't find it so upsetting when the person is legitimately thrown into chaos, i.e. A death of a loved one, losing a limb, divorce or infidelity, losing a job, home, or both, etc...)

And yesterday? I had to check myself.

( Doing a 360° )

: breathes : I guess I just needed to get this all out. My main point is that while I think I’m allowed to have moments where I lose it, I’m glad that I can eventually get back to a place where I can see the full picture. And thank you to those of you who take the time to reply to these entries because they’re one of the many elements that pull me back out of my exasperation.

9 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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moody

]

( I'm getting super tired of these drug's side effects. )
I know I’ve asked you to pray/hope for/send energy for peace of mind. I’m still asking for that, but if you’d also include “liver health”, that would be super.

P.S. I do have some other amusing symptoms but they’re rather TMI. If you are really interested, as some of the motherly or medical types are, let me know and I’ll make some kind of a locked post for you all.

12 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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curious

]

Does anyone know about any good ringtone websites?

2 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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accomplished

]

Although it was a struggle, (mostly because I had to wear pants and a bra) I managed to go outside today. ^__^ My family went to the Verizon store to get my Mom and I new phones.

I guess we really differ from most families because we don't upgrade often *at all*. These are the first new phones for her and I since we moved here. I've been asking for one for around 2 years now only because the screen on the outside had a small crack and as I got more used to texting I realized how sucky my phone was at it. ^_~

Now I have a truly awesome phone:
It's even the same color as my business cards!

It was only released in June of this year, so I guess it's a good thing I wound up waiting those 2 years. ^__^

I have yet to learn how to use all the features other than dialing and receiving phone calls, and putting it on "vibrate". I tried to read the manual but it turns out that when you're stuffed to the brim with narcotics, it's hard to retain information.

Edit: Also, here's what Mom got. She claims she's never going to text message and the only feature she wanted was a camera.

7 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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lethargic

]

I was trying to push off this entry until I was up to my usual level of snark, but that's just not happening any time soon. So I'm going to give you all the bare bones of what's going on.

The conscious pain mapping was exactly what I was expecting; no worse, no better. I was really well prepared by Dr. Cook and Dr. Halprin (the anesthesiologist). They went in and found that my left ovary was the culprit, along with severe irritation on the outside of my bladder. They're not sure what is causing the irritation but there are some theories that will be tested in the near future.

They removed my left ovary and did a thorough search for diaphragmatic endometriosis. Turns out I had no endo whatsoever; anywhere! It just goes to prove that if you have a doctor that knows what he's doing this IS something you can beat. Most of my pain was being caused by the ovary and lots of adhesions. We're not entirely sure where the adhesions came from but I have a feeling that it was my inability to complete my PT after my last surgery.

As they were trying to wake me from the anesthesia, I went into respiratory failure. Something was blocking my airway (they think it was merely a large amount of congestion) and I wasn't waking up to cough it out of the way. They wound up inserting something into my throat to get rid of the blockage which worked. I started to wake up and they were shoving a breathing machine in my face. The whole event lasted about 60 seconds, but both of my parents were outside the recovery room and could hear everything. I'm sure it was far more traumatic for them than for me.

The pain has been really hard to control this time around, but it's not necessarily more pain than I've had before. Peceding the surgery, I spoke with Dr. Cook about the way my Norco and Vicodin just didn't seem to be working for me during the past 8 months or so. I'd take two Norco, and two hours later I'd still be in pain so I'd add two Vicodin on top of it, finally killing the pain. During the month before the surgery, that wasn't even working any more. I don't use the narcotics all that often so I was skeptical about my body becoming "dependent"; I'd have been going through withdrawal if that was the case. I was scared to death that I'd become addicted (as irrational as that was) until Dr. Cook sat me down and explained the difference between dependence, tolerance, and addiction.

It was clear that my body had become tolerant of these medications so we decided to use Percocet post-op. Unfortunately, that didn't even scratch the surface of the pain, although it *did* make me scratch everywhere else (narcotics always make me itchy). Dr. Cook prescribed 10 mg. of Oxycontin, every 12 hours.

Okay, as scared to death as I am of strong pain meds, I have to say that Oxycontin is the best stuff ever. It completely killed the pain. COMPLETELY! I've never felt so good post-op.

It was not to last, though. The Percocet wears off after 4 hours where as Oxycontin is a 12 hour drug. If I had a level 10 out of 10 pain, Percocet only really killed 2 points of it. But Oxycontin cleared up 6 points. So if I'm on both drugs, I have very tolerable pain. But once the Percocet wears off, I'm back at a 4 out of 10 and that's enough to wake me and keep me up. So I didn't get much sleep at all the first week.

Now Dr. Cook has ordered me to take 10 mg of Oxycontin in the morning and 20 mg at night so I can sleep. It's a wonderful compromise that I couldn't be happier with. Except, of course, not needing the medication at all…

So Friday the 28th comes and I'm dreading getting on the plane because 2 - 4 days after my surgery is the hardest time for me. Maybe it was God that raised my temperature, I don't know. What I do know is that upon Dr. Cook discovering my temperature was over 100, I was sent for immediate lab work. Turns out the tests came back okay but fevers make surgeons nervous. I was given two options: take out the IUD and head on home, or stay in town another few days so that I could be observed.

I didn't go through a year of cervical pain with the IUD just to take it out on a whim now that we have finally managed to stop my period. So the family discussed it and we stayed through Monday instead. Honestly? I'm glad we did. I wouldn't have made it on Friday. On Monday, I asked for Dr. Cook's permission to take an extra Oxycontin the day we traveled on the plane, so things actually went pretty smoothly.

After we got home, I was finally able to sleep my first full night since the 23rd. Since then I’ve been going between bouts of insomnia and hypersomnia. I guess it’s better than nothing…

There is a lot of stuff I’m leaving out; some because I’m exhausted, some because I want to wait until I’m entertaining to write it, and the rest is just really gross TMI. But I hope this explains a few things.

5 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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lethargic

]

Sorry for being cryptic and short-winded about what's been happening. Maybe now that seeshellirun's seen me in person and tried to hold a conversation with me, she can help explain the state I'm in mentally and why I'm unable to really blog.


I'm back in AZ today. I ran a few fevers over the weekend, but I never got sick. The lab work came back as normal as hoped for so Dr. Cook thinks that it was probably not an infection but rather something to do with my IUD (apparently, having foreign instruments inside your body after surgery doesn't make it terribly thrilled). Still, I'm running the course of antibiotics just to be on the safe side.

While I think it's wise to do the antibiotics and I have NO intention of disobeying my doctor's orders, I *do* wish that I could get off of some meds here. We added 6 new medications to my regimen post-op (2 of which are stronger narcotics than I've ever taken), and that's on top of the 10 I already take daily. Plus, there are a few others that I'm taking "as needed"... Yes, technically the 2 narcotics are "as needed" as well but for right now I'm needing them about as often as I'm allowed to take them.

We're working some stuff out to see if I can get by with less narcotics, but I might end up just having to deal with using them until I heal enough. Most recently, I've actually been putting off taking them as long as I can stand it because I just function/think better without them in my system. Sure it's super painful to let them lapse but I'm getting to the point that I'd rather be able to type a sentence than sit comfortably.


And I just wanted to make it clear: if it seems like I'm desperate for attention? It's because I am. I hate it when people want attention and try to manipulate it from people so what I've been trying to do is just ask up front: I need attention, can you spare some? ^_~ I don't really understand the need. Usually when I'm in pain I want people to ignore me. This time around, I'm clingy. I guess I do have a theory about why, but it would involve more coherence than I have to explain it at the moment. I promise that I will tell you my thoughts and more about everything as soon as I can.


Meanwhile, for those keeping track: Naomi is doing well!! seeshellirun did a truly awesome job taking care of her.

17 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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morose

]

I would like to write details but between a computer I'm not used to typing on and how utterly DISORIENTED I am, I can't really give anyone a full written scoop. I even have trouble talking and understanding what others are saying.

I see how completely useless I am in this state and I wonder how people can consider this an "escape"; by that I mean taking OxyContin to feel *high*.

Don't get me wrong: I've never had a more effective pain killer and right now I really need it. But the thought of living my life in this foggy stupor? Nigtmare.

I'm taking notes on my experiences as I recall them from both the surgery and the post-op so that I can write a testimonial for Dr. Cook's office. I offered to share my experience on paper so future patients would have been told all about it from someone that has been there. I'm planning to post that essay here and just add to it the rest of what I want to tell you all.

Meanwhile, I really can't stress enough how much I need support and prayer. Those of you that have called, texted, or replied to my entries? You'll never know how much you've helped. I've never felt quite this needy after a procedure and hearing from all of you is in no way a hollow pick-me-up. I hope I'll be able to reply to your comments and tell you the details of "why" soon.

And a very special thank you to seehellirun for taking care of the house and Naomi in my absense. It's a massive load off my shoulders that are already buckling under the pressure.

18 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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scared

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I was supposed to be able to fly back to Arizona today. That didn't happen.

I might have an infection. We're doing tests.

Lovely.

6 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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exhausted

]

No energy to gie details at the moment but the surgery is overand I've been discharged from the hospital.

I've been doing better than expected as far as pain levels and energy, but I'm far from "good". I'll give specifics later on what happened and what they found. It's going to be a very long and rather unique entry...

5 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

[

she feels

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high

]

Firstly: If you've been tagged, you must write your answers in your own LJ and replace any question that you dislike with a new, original question.

Secondly: Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.

( Click here for the answers! )

Tagging: firetigersoul, seeshellirun, _midoriko_sama_, dqbunny, kitesareevil, inusaga, unseencolor, akarii

3 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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thankful

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So yesterday I caved and took Naomi to the vet. I was scared to because I was worried about what I'd be told and that I'd end up having to put her down.

The doctor was late for the first time ever because he was delayed at the site where he is opening a new office. They were supposed to be moving in a week but things are getting bungled up. It’s the first we’d heard of him moving and were relieved that he would actually be moving closer than further. It already takes about a half hour to get there, and he’s one of the 2 best herpetological veterinarians in the state. We wouldn’t have switched, but it would have been a pain if he was further away.

As he was examining her, he asked me to tell him what I had noticed to bring her in. I told him everything and he noticed the pattern; I was talking to him about quality of life issues. I explained that I wasn’t ready to lose her yet but told him that I couldn’t justify another large expense if she was going to be mostly miserable, especially given her age.

The big deciding factor would be if we could fix the problem with her appetite. Force-feeding her on top of everything else would just be the last straw. She’d be miserable and I hate seeing my pets suffer. He understood; he’s seen me with my dragons for around 5 years now and knows that I try to do what’s best for them even when it’s a lot of work or super difficult for me.

He coaxed Naomi into having a bowel movement and put some under the microscope (a test that costs no money).

Apparently she has a parasite that is affecting her appetite and gave her antibiotics to clear it up. Usually, a dragon is cured within 2 days of using the medicine but since Naomi is diabetic and has low immunity he’s putting her on for 7 days to wipe it out.

Translation: Naomi won’t need to be force fed!!

As for the lump: at first he thought the same thing I did – that it could have been a needle stick gone wrong. I explained that I’d never given her insulin anywhere near the area and told him about how careful we are when it comes to the needles being sterile. He prodded it a bit more before giving me the news.

He said surgery wasn’t necessary and the cost would be minimal. He’d just take her back, lance the abscess, drain it, and we’d clean it with hydrogen peroxide followed by a dab of Neosporin for a week.

PRAISE!! I can totally justify that expense and Naomi won’t be post-op the same time I am!!

After he was finished draining the lump he said that it looked like it as mostly scar tissue and mucus which means that she probably got hurt at some point and it was on its way to becoming an infection. However, because we caught it so early, it didn’t have time to develop into anything serious so we saved ourselves some worry and money by being vigilant.

I was so relieved I nearly cried.

I had a bit of a scare today when I noticed the site where the lump had been was swelling a bit. I made the decision to go ahead and page Dr. Driggers (he’s out of the office on Wednesday but has an emergency pager) to ask about it. I apologized because I didn’t know if this really qualified as an emergency, but the receptionist at the office didn’t know either and I decided it’d be better than worrying all night. Luckily, he wasn’t bothered by my call and said that the swelling is normal and the hydrogen peroxide can actually cause some irritation as it disinfects.

Thank you to everyone who sent prayers and well-wishes over this. I really needed the support right now and I’m so excited that I have a happy conclusion to share!!

8 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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pessimistic

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I know I just posted, but this topic needed a different entry.  I go off on a lot of different trails in this explanation and my pain meds are keeping me from knowing if this makes the least bit of sense.

Naomi has a growth on her back.  I don't know what it is, but it's the size of a medium human wart.  It’s fairly hard and I think it’s dark under the skin.  I don't think it was there a week ago because I pay close attention to her.  I found it on Saturday and I’ve been watching it like a hawk to see if it’s growing (the vet said that depending on what it is, lumps can grow super fast). 

At first I thought maybe it was an injection site that got upset, but the lump is nowhere near the place that we inject and we've never re-used a needle - always a fresh, sterile one.  Part of me is hoping she fell off her climbing furniture and that it's just a resulting subcutaneous wound because then it'll go away on its own.  I'd even settle for an infection because I can justify the expense of antibiotics. 

But I'm losing that hope.  I want it to be nothing, but there’s obviously *something*.  She hasn't been eating much at all and we've been having to force-feed her these past couple of weeks.  I got her to eat wax worms yesterday, but that can’t be her main source of food because there’s not enough in the worms to sustain her. 

If I don’t get her to start eating by the time we leave I’d have to leave her at the vet’s office and that’s out of the question because of the cost.

That means I’d have to ask Shelli to force-feed her?  I can't ask Shelli to do that to Naomi while I’m in California because it's hard for *me* to do it on my own, and *I* know how to handle her from years of Naomi-Wiggling experience. Plus, Shelli is already doing the insulin injections and they’re difficult enough – I just don’t think force-feeding is a fair thing to ask. (And no, that was not me trying to ask without actually being polite enough to come out and ask, Shelli. ^_~) 

I also can’t ask Shelli to give her wax worms because it involves touching them and we’re not paying her enough to dig small worms out of saw dust.  I suppose I could separate them before hand, but I don’t know if they can live outside of that wood stuff they’re in…  >_<  But as of right now, she’s not eating veges, so do we just let her go hungry for 5 days?  Maybe I’ll see if Naomi will eat baby food (dragons LOVE baby food) and show Shelli how to do THAT.  It’s messy, but less gross and pretty entertaining.  But that’s me thinking of this as I go along…


The bottom line?  Naomi is 9+ years and that's a good dragon life span so I can't justify *another* $600 surgery for her, plus the money for the after care regimen and office visits.  Still, this is SO not what I needed right now.  To be honest, I’m still not over Trista dying a couple years ago, and Naomi is the last of my dragons that likes to cuddle.  Ezri will tolerate it for a while but mostly he wants to go exploring.  Plus I’m worried about him being lonely if she’s not around anymore.  He’ll have gone from having 2 tank-mates and a girlfriend in other quarters to being by himself…  I suppose I could get another one but it’d have to be a female and she’d need to be slightly larger than him.  That can get tricky because that means finding a dragon that’s stunted at just the right size (Ezri’s growth was stunted and a normal sized female could theoretically see him (or parts of him) as a meal.  He’s not THAT small, but I’m trying to avoid vet bills.

I’m at a loss right now.  Super upset because I don’t know what’s best.  Would I be killing her too soon if I put her to sleep?  What kind of quality of life does she have now?  It’s hard for her to move around (I don’t know if she’s too tired or if she’s in pain/has joint stiffening), she’s getting injections every day, and now she’s being force-fed?  I also think she’s starting to suffer a little bit of dementia because sometimes her behavior is off the wall and it never used to be.

But except for those bouts of odd behavior she is still fully alert, doesn’t seem to be in much pain (if any) and still has the same personality.  Even in her condition, she lumbers up to challenge Ezri if he starts his male dominance routine.  She still has the characteristics of a male and doesn’t play well with other dragons.  She closes her eyes in bliss when someone pets her head and falls asleep with people who care for her, trusting them completely…

I have so many hilarious memories of her, I was actually thinking of breaking into Facebook by making one for *her*.  I have so many stories I could tell about her.  To think I’ll never have another in the near future makes me want to cry.  Either way, I might still make one because it’ll be a way to remember all the stuff she’s done.

Any advice, money, prayers, karma, or thoughts right now would be awesome.  I’m overwhelmed and pretty depressed.  I’m going to have to make a decision this week and I’m simply bereft.

4 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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scared

]

On narcotics at the moment, but it's high time I did this post now that I got all the details of times this weekend.

Schedule:

August 24:
8:30 am - Flight to California
12:45 pm - Pre-Op appointment with Cook
7:00 pm - Prayer group comes

August 25:
8:30 am - Check into hospital followed by surgery prep
10:00 am - Conscious Pain Mapping followed by laparoscopy

August 26:
All Day - Recovery in hospital

August 27:
Mid-day - Check out of hospital

August 28:
9:30 am - Post-Op appointment with Cook
3:00 pm - Flight back to California


Locations:

Marriot TownePlace Suites
440 Saratoga Avenue
San Jose, CA 95129

Menlo Park Surgical Hospital
570 Willow Rd
Menlo Park, CA 94025


Personally, I think we should have flown out a day earlier to ensure that the plane isn't delayed, thus making us late for the appointment.  However I do understand my parents wanting to save money where they can and that an extra day in the hotel would mean an extra $150 for the room (It's a 2 room suite with a central living area - my parents need to be able to get to me without key cards if there's an emergency), plus an extra day of car rental, gas, eating out, etc...

For those of you in California, you'll be getting a call from me sometime today or tomorrow to chat about possible plans.  I won't be able to eat on the 24th and I'm bound to be exhausted after the surgery, but if you attended my last hospital party, you know I love seeing people because it gives me something to do and I might be able to even feed one of you.  ^_~  The hospital provides an extra meal for visitors and their food was actually pretty good.

Also, for those that are religious, if you want to come pray over me with some family friends in the area, that's at 7:00 on the 24th.  I've never done this specifically for any of my surgeries but so much is riding on this and for the first time I'm actually quite scared.  So when my Mom told me that Aunt Linda, Paulene, and a couple others asked if they could come pray over me the night before I wasn't about to refuse all the help I can get.  That being said, everyone has to be gone by 8:00 that night because I have to do some prep work that is not a group affair.  ;P


I have so much on my mind.  I want to be healthy but at the cost of a hysterectomy sometime within the year?  It's just really weighing on me.  Sure, I need to get healthy in order to actually start seeing someone in order to have children in the first place, but what if the hysterectomy winds up not working despite all the tests?  And what if I do have diaphramatic endometriosis?  That means I have to have open surgery in my chest, around my heart and liver.  And what if the conscious pain mapping doesn't yield anything because the pain is being caused by a bodily process rather than a "defective" organ?  I'll have gone through all this stress and not have anything but the wonderful memory of being opened up on the table...

Prayers and well-wishes are most appreciated.

15 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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tired

]

Okay, the medical stuff.

We discussed a ton of things with Dr. House Cook and I’ll try to break down our next method of treatment. It gets complicated, so there’s a lot of explaining involved. If you’re not interested, skip ahead to the overall summary.

( Medical junk. )
In other words:
I’m having a surgery next month, and then we’re doing some experiments.

I’ll write about my actual stay in another entry because there is stuff to say, but I don’t feel up to it after that long explanation. ^__^

30 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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contemplative

]

This is a medical question to the nurses on my list and maybe to people who have experience with this issue.

I've personally never used any kind of illegal drug or abused any of my persciptions. However, I did take allergy shots and I've had so many blood draws and IV's over the years that I have developed some scars.

My question: can people in hospitals tell the difference between those scars and track marks? I don't know much about the subject of drugs so this is probably a very ignorant question. However, I am concerned that some day I'll be on my own, in an accident or something, and the hospital staff may not believe me immediately when I say that I'm "clean" if I look like I've abused drugs.

Could someone who is informed give me some insight?

EDIT: I should clarify that I mean old track marks, not fresh ones. I'm specifically worried that I'm going to go into the hospital, tell them my symptoms and have the staff think that I did it to myself and the underlying cause of whatever I'm feeling at the moment might be drug aftermath (at least upon initial examination). I mean, who has had more blood draws and hospital stays than birthdays at my age? So I'm looking for ways to clear up confusion as quickly as possible if it's ever necessary.

17 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me

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she feels

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guilty

]

Yet again, I'm a terrible parent.

Tonight for the first time in weeks I watched the news with my parents. Ever since Jay Leno went off the Tonight Show I've had no reason to join them.

As some of you know, my Dad is obsessed with the weather. So the weather segment comes on, we stop talking for fear of being bitchslapped by my father and I see, "Present Temperature in Chandler: 104 Degrees."

I FREAK. OUT.

While we had long since taken my dragon's heat lamps off during the day, their ceramic heaters were still coming on in the night time.

I'd been wondering why my babies had been acting lethargic lately and now I know. They've been practically cooking at night for nearly a week and a half!!

If I'd known the temp wasn't dropping to the 80's at night, I would have done something sooner. My had the opposite problem in that he didn't realize the heaters were still coming on at night. My Mom? I just don't think she put it together. That's okay, it's not her responsibility.

So after large amounts of panic and a couple of cold baths for my reptiles, I'm feeling relieved but terribly guilty.

7 pieces of wit and wisdom|snark at me